Living with Anxiety

The thing with living with anxiety is we can't help but feel sad. When things are going well, we'd suddenly feel like something isn't right and immediately our minds would switch back to its default state -- worried and sad. 

We continue to wallow in sadness because feeling good suddenly feels so wrong. As much as we want to feel good, I think our minds were conditioned to think otherwise because we've been in that state for far too long.

As I write this, in my mind, I really want to feel better but I somehow feel hindered. I know people with anxiety truly want to get better and be normal. But how do we even reach that point? I, myself, am taking medications for this but while I do feel that it's helping me, I also feel like I'm stuck at this phase.

How do I even move forward? I'm not even sure what else I need. Will I need a higher dosage for my medication? Should I just think positive like what others who don't understand tell me? Should I continue to wallow in sadness and depression and just accept my fate? Do I need another person who will just listen to my sad & depressive rants? 

Anxiety messes up everything in our heads. Ever since I've been diagnosed with anxiety, I feel like I've become a toxic person who has nothing else to talk about but her feelings of sadness, depression, and frustration. But as much as I want to stop myself, I can't help it!! Not speaking about it will push me to bottle up my emotions and it's going to become harder to reach out to people. However, talking about it all the time is tiring too. It's like a playing a broken recorder. 😐

This is why people like me often wish that we'd just disappear into thin air. It's not that we wanna die. We just want to get lost so we can get rid of this emotional pain. I'm not even sure where this is all coming from!! It's crazy just thinking about how one can feel this lonely and worried for long periods of time! 

I often tell myself that when I get extremely tired of feeling this way, I will literally follow my plan. I will just pack my bags and leave! I don't know where I will go but I will have a fresh start. Though, I'm not even sure if I can have a fresh start once I leave. 😓

Living with anxiety is tiring for us as much as it is for someone who hears nothing else from us but our stories of loneliness. We constantly overthink. Honestly, there is no end to it! There no such thing as a far-fetched idea because to us, everything and anything can happen. 

To whoever is reading this, if you are living with anxiety, I have no other good advice for you other than this: Continue to be patient. We will get there. No matter how long it takes and no matter how excruciatingly painful the journey is, we will heal. Hold on!

If you have a loved one living with anxiety, please stay patient. Living with this illness is already stressful, we don't need your toxic positivity. Just please make us feel your presence. It means a lot -- probably more than you'll ever know.

Saan ang katapusan?

May mga tatlong linggo na ang nakakalipas mula nang ma-trigger ulit nang malala ang anxiety at depression ko. Sa tuwing sasapit ang gabi at oras ng pagtulog, wala akong ibang maisip kundi ang pakiramdam ng pagiging kulang at walang kwenta. Halos gabi-gabi akong nakakatulog nang umiiyak at gigising na masakit ang puso, maga ang mga mata, at masakit ang ulo. Tila wala na ring kagustuhang tumuloy pa sa araw.

Sa totoo lang, nakakapagod makaramdam ng lungkot, yung hindi mo alam kung ano pa bang ibabato sa'kin ng tadhana ng nasa itaas. Paano pa ba magpapatuloy sa araw-araw kung halos wala na rin akong lakas. Madalas sa minsan, hindi ko na alam. Ganyan lang pakiramdam ko.

Dumadalas ang pagtatanong ko kung nasaaan ang katapusan nang lahat ng ito? Bigat na bigat na kasi ako pero sige pa rin. Minsan pakiramdam ko wala naman kasi akong choice. Haha. Alam ko rin na hindi pa naman tapos ang misyon ko dito sa lupa, pero jusko. Sobrang nakakapanghina na rin minsan.

Madalas ma-trigger and depression at anxiety ko ng mga pangyayaring nag-iinvolve ng lovelife. Alam ko ang typical pakinggan kaso hindi ko rin talaga alam bakit iba yung impact kapag lovelife. Haha. Ganoon ba talaga ako kauhaw sa pagmamahal? Ganoon ba kakulang yung pakiramdam ko? Hahahaha! Hindi ko alam yung sagot. -_-

Pero nung nakaraan, lovelife ko ang naging trigger ko. Ang sakit. Literal na nararamdaman kong kumikirot yung puso ko at hindi ko rin naman mailabas lahat sa pag-iyak lang. Ginusto kong sukuan siya at sumuko sa buhay pero hello. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, I don't live for other people. I want to live for myself also kaso grabe. Ang sakit talaga. :( Ilang araw rin yun na magkakasunod na hindi ako makatulog. Umabot sa point na kinailangan ko mag-up ng dosage sa gamot para lang mapakalma ko yung sarili mo. Lalo kong naramdaman na wala akong kwenta.

Naging okay rin naman pero siyempre, nagkaroon ng lamat. Nagkaroon ng trust issues. Gustuhin ko mang mag-move on, ilang beses kong tinanong ang sarili ko, "Paano?" Hindi ko kasi talaga alam paano. Paano ba nakakalimot sa ganoong tipo ng sakit??

Ilang araw pa lumipas, ayan na naman! Para bang walang katapusan. Ganito ba talaga ako kawalang kwenta???? Ewan ko rin. Haha. Nakakainis kasi nung ready na ako mag-move forward biglang may panibagong discovery na naman. Ganun din today. 

Pero habang nangyayari to, iniisip ko talaga, choice ba ang ma-fall out of love? O sadyang mararamdaman mo na lang na wala yung love between you and your partner? Half-hearted pa rin akong sabihin na choice ang ma-fall out of love pero kasi posible rin e. So hindi ko alam. 

Sa ngayon, kinakaya ko pa rin naman. Sabi ko kakayanin ko, pero paano ko malalaman kung nasa dulo na ba kami o isa lang ba itong set ng humps na kailangan namin daanan nang magkasama?

Hay. Hindi ko alam paano to tatapusin. Pero, bye self. Sana piliin mong maging matatag at sana ma-discern mo kung ano ang tamang gawin sa sitwasyon mo ngayon. Grow grow grow!

Ako

Dug dug dug dug

Dug dug dug dug

Dug dug dug dug

Kailan ka ba matatahimik?

Tumibok nang mabilis nag puso ko

Tila may hinahabol-habol

Panandalian akong pumikit

At niramdam ang init na dumadaloy sa aking katawan

Init na dala ng pagod

Pagod saan?

Parang lagi na lang akong pagod.

Hindi ko naman alam ang dahilan

Nakakabaliw isipin

Maaari pa lang mapagod nang di alam ang dahilan?

Pilit kong pinagdudugtong ang mga patlang

Makabuo man lang ng sagot sa tanong kong

"Pagod saan?"

Inilatag ko sa sahig ng isip

Mga tagpi-tagping alaala nang nakaraan

Hinahanap kung saan nagkaroon ng mga puwang

Ang mga puwang kung saan matatagpuan ang sagot

Pagod saan?

Sa mga puwang ko nakita ang mga sakit

Sakit na pinilit takpan

Tinapalan ng masasayang alaala

Ngunit hindi naman hinilom ang mga biyak

Kaya pala napagod

Napagod magtapal

Napagod takpan

Napagod pagtagpiin ang mga biyak na ayaw naman mabuo

Mga biyak na minsang dinaluyan ng init

Unti-unting nalamigan at nanigas

Kaya pala napagod

Pero kahit na

Napagtanto ko na may mga puwang na hindi na kailangan pagdutungin

May mga buo pang bahagi na hindi kailangan tapalan

May mga bahagi pang maaaring pintahan nang mas maganda

Sa huli, kahit na ako'y napagod

Natutuhan kong may dahilan pa para umusad

Hindi nagtatapos sa mga biyak at panlalamig ang pag-ibig

Nagtatapos ito sa sandaling piliin kong magtapos ito

Para sa puso kong napagod na,

Bumangon ka at umusad.

May mga bahagi pang buo at maaaring alagaan

Huwag mo nang pagdikitin ang nakaraan

Piliin mong panatilihing buo ang kasalukuyan at hinaharap.

Saan Hahanapin?

Patuloy ko pa ring inaabangan ang paglipas ng mga segundo

Inaasam na baka sa isang iglap ay kumatok ka sa aking pinto

At humingi ng patawad – katapawaran para sa lahat ng sakit

Na ipinaramdam, sa bawat sugat na humiwa sa aking pagkatao,

At higit sa lahat, kapatawaran para sa iyong pagliban sa mga panahong

Lubos kitang kinailangan.

 

Sinabi mo sa akin noon na ilalaan mo ang buong puso mo para sakin

Mananatili ka sa aking tabi anuman ang panahon.

Nangako kang ipararamdam mo sa akin ang pagmamahal na pilit kong hinanap sa iba.

Pero bakit tayo nandito?

 

Paano tayo umabot sa ganito?

Ang mga salita mo’y tila naging hangin na panandaliang akong niyakap

At pagkatapos ay dumaan lang din.

Sa mga panahong naghahanap ako ng init, ligamgam ng pagmamahal ang natanggap ko

Minsan akong napatanong, “May nagawa ba ako?”

 

Sabi mo hindi ako nagkulang.

Ngunit paano maniniwala ang isang pusong nasaktan?

Bakit pakiramdam ko kulang na kulang ako para sa’yo?

 

Paano ko ngayon hihilumin ang isang sugat na inungkat ang lahat ng dating sakit

Na minsan ko na ring naramdaman?

Paano ko muling sisimulang hanapin ang sarili ko sa mga mata mo

Kung ang sarili ko mismo hindi ko na matagpuan.

 

Tila ako ay nasa gitna muli ng kawalan

Hindi alam kung saan lulugar

Hindi alam kung may puwang nga ba talaga para sa akin

Sa mga sandaling ito ang tanging nais ko lang din lamang ay mahanap mo…

 

I found Him today

For several months now, I've been complaining of the ice-pick like pain I've been feeling on my right knee. It was only last Wednesday that I mustered up the courage to go to an orthopedic and have it checked. Initial diagnosis was a meniscal tear but I still have to undergo MRI and I am scheduled for it tomorrow.

As I was quietly sitting down, breathing heavily after I exercised a little, I took a glimpse of my right knee. I ran my hand over it and tried to find its difference with my other knee. I ran through the spaces. I'm not sure but I know and I felt that there was really something wrong with it. It might sound weird but that's where I found Him. I found Him through the awkward spaces in my right knee.

In this unusual space, He showed Himself reminding me of how uniquely I was created. Through my injury, I also realised how I was delicately sculpted by Him. Despite the many flaws, there is still something beautiful to see - and yes, that includes my injury.

I smiled faintly having understood all these. It was an unusual space for Him to appear but He did. He does have His own way of telling me that He is omnipresent. And as long as I choose to seek Him, even in the most random places, He will show Himself.

Finishing Strong!

Today marks the 5th day of our annual prayer and fasting in church. The past few days were a bit of a blur for me but day 5 was an exception. Just a few minutes ago, I finished answering the booklet but I haven't done my quiet time. I just felt that I had to share my thoughts and experiences during this fasting.

Let's begin with Day 1. Honestly, I can say that my body wasn't well prepared for this fasting. It was a bit of a struggle for me to miss out on meals especially with the nature of my job. I struggled but confidently overcame the first day. I knew it was going to be a long week without enough food in my system. I prayed instead of eating during meal times but I felt like I wasn't that sensitive to God's voice. I slightly felt upset that it was happening that way, thinking that fasting was supposed to make more sensitive to His voice. Despite the negative emotions, Day 1 was fairly okay.

Day 2 was again a challenge. It was liquid fasting without sweets so that meant having soup and more water. I knew I was going to last for a day but the real struggle was hearing more of Him. Again, instead of eating my meals, I prayed (and slept afterwards). I don't quite understand why I was too deaf to hear. It was more upsetting that I was becoming upset about it. The more I thought of my insensitivity and how I was responding to it, the more I became agitated. Then it dawned on me that it was just probably the enemy. It was attacking me through my emotions and I believe for a minute or two it was happy that my responses were favourable to itself.

Mid-week and if I must say one of the hardest days in this 5-day fast. It was a battle between hunger and the want/need to continue the fast because I want to experience breakthroughs. As soon as I woke up, my mum told me to eat breakfast because she cooked something delicious. I asked what it was even though I knew I was going to eat dinner for my one meal fast. It was so tempting but I gloriously overcame! *grins* Anyway, going back. During the 3rd day, I was more certain that I was going to hear more of God simply because I kept telling Him to free me from any distractions. While I was at work (and when there were no visitors in my establishment), I answered the booklet. It was entitled, "Faith to Conquer." And having read the stories, I think it was God's reminder for me to respond to situations that would magnify Him more instead of the enemy (refer to Day 2). Not only that, I knew it was His way of telling me to continue pursuing my prayers because at the end of the day, He will not leave any promise unfulfilled.

*cries*

Day 4!! This time, I was more hyped in believing God's promises are to be fulfilled! I am since Day 1 but this time I knew how to respond better. Day 4 was entitled, "Faith to Claim." Now this time, I was bolder in praying for my faith goals this year and as well as for the faith goals of my accountable partners. I was more certain than ever that everything else will fall into place because God wants to be magnified through my story. He was teaching me how to have an unwavering faith even if I come across insurmountable mountains in my journey. Realizing this made me more excited for this year. I know it's going to be a year with God and that His presence in my life gives me peace and security. No matter what happens, no matter how many times I stumble, I will always have God greater, more powerful and more sovereign than any obstacle I will experience.

Day 5 today and I am more excited than ever to see how God will work in me this year! I know that this year will also be a year of the serving the Lord in ways I have never imagined! *grins*

Five days without enough food in my system was pretty tough. I had to contain my negative emotions and rant it to God alone. I had to smile and act normal in front of everybody even if my stomach was screaming of hunger. Nevertheless, fasting for the Lord taught me to be more fervent in my prayers. It reminded me of my position in the Lord. And above all, it reminded me that I am an overcomer of any obstacle because I have a God. Others may not understand my purpose for doing this fasting but I am not ashamed to say that I am doing this for the Lord. In my time of weakness, He is strong! I am blessed to have been given the opportunity to experience more of His presence during this week. I am even more blessed that I can share my testimony to others. Thank You, Abba for always believing in me; for always reminding me that you bought me with a price -- that I am precious to You.

Now my prayer as I end this fasting and as I end this blog is that you (whoever is reading this) will appreciate all the blessings the Lord has given you. I even pray that you will see how God has been faithful throughout your lifetime. Let God's promises secure you that He will fulfill all His plans for you -- plans not to harm you but to prosper you; plans to give you a hope and a future. (Jer 29:11) May God's grace continue to suffice you. As you journey this beautiful gift of life, may you always realize and understand that God's ways are always beyond what we can comprehend. Lastly, I pray you would learn to open up your heart to Him. Embrace every bit of uncertainty you have for in Him you are secured and at peace.

Maiba lang

Salita. Naisip ko lang, masyadong malaki at delikado ang epekto ng mga salita. Bawat salitang bitawan natin ay hindi na mababawi. Maaaring makasira ito ng kung ano mang bagay na hindi natin nakikita tulad ng tiwala, pananaw at pagkakaibigan. Hindi ba?

Naaalala ko, ilang buwan pa lang ang nakalilipas, nakasakit ako ng dalawang taong mahalaga sa akin dahil sa mga salitang binitawan ko. Hindi ko man intensyon na saktan sila, nangyari na. At ngayon, kahit ilang beses kong paulit-ulit na ipaliwanag ang sarili ko, wala na ring saysay ang mga ito dahil may nasira na. At sa kasamaang palad, kung ano man ang nasira na sa amin ay mahirap nang ibalik. Hindi ito tulad ng kama na kapag ginulo mo ay pwede mong ayusin sila sa istilong gusto mo. Hindi ito parang sapatos na kapag nadumihan mo ay lilinisin o lalabahan mo lang. May mga bagay na kahit anong pilit man nating ayusin ay hindi na maibabalik sa dati.

Masama man ang nangyari at nakakalungkot man siyang isang isipin, may natutunan pa rin akong akong mga bagay-bagay. Una, napagtanto ko na ang mga ganitong pangyayari, kahit gaano natin gustong iwasan ay pwede pa ring mangyari dahil ginusto Niyang mangyari yon. Ikalawa, minsan kahit gaano kasakit, kailangan nating matutong pakawalan ang mga taong nasaktan natin at nakasakit sa atin. Hindi dahil hindi mo na sila mahal; ngunit alam natin sa sarili natin at alam Niya na para ito sa ikabubuti ng lahat. Ikatlo, huwag nating isasara ang puso at isipan mo sa posibilidad na baka isang araw bumalik sila sa buhay natin.

Aaminin ko, ilang buwan kong dinamdam ang katotohanan na nawala sila sa akin. Pakiramdam ko masama akong tao. May mga gabing hindi ako makatulog agad kakaisip ng paraan kung paano ba magiging maayos ulit ang lahat. Minsan, may mga gabing maluluha na lang ako dahil nakikita ko silang masaya kahit hindi na ako parte ng buhay nila. Masakit man siyang isipin, kailangan pa ring tanggapin.

Ang pagtanggap ay isang mahabang proseso na hindi dapat minamadali. Oo, ako mismo alam kong hindi ko pa gaanong tanggap ang lahat. Pero sa takdang panahon, matututunan kong yakapin ang katotohanan na kaya may mga taong nawawala sa atin, ay para rin sa ating sariling kapakanan.